Goodbye 2019, Hello 2020!

        A new year, a new decade, the roaring twenties updated. I usually ponder the year just spent before moving ahead, it helps me put life in perspective.  

     2019 was a year of good things, sad times, and everything in between. I can see areas of growth in places I’ve struggled in the past. My desire for perfection has slowly been replaced with good enough, and the need to please people has lessened. Those are great strides for me, having lived most of my life in bondage to the whims and fancies of peoples’ expectations. That’s a lot of baggage to unload, and I don’t miss it one iota.

     2019 was a year of family togetherness, celebrations, Sunday lunches, Tuesday dinners, a wonderful vacation, and bonding with the granddogs. My family lost someone dear this year in the death of my cousin, Ruth. Her death left us shocked and saddened. There will always be a hole she filled with her love and kindness. The bonds of family are important to me, and I treasure time spent with those I love.

     I was blessed to lead a Bible study in the spring and fall, work in a ministry feeding the homeless and shut-ins, serve as secretary for the Foothills Writer’s Guild, and serve alongside women who have hearts for missions. I enjoyed playing hand bells and singing in my church choir. I don’t say all this to brag, but to say I’m thankful to be well emotionally and physically to do all the things I feel called to do. There was a time when I went through the motions of a happy life, but didn’t feel it. My smile was a mask that covered the turmoil within. 

     This was the year I became a published author with a collection of poetry, Breathings of My Heart. Exposure to great writers and the opportunity to take two poetry classes through Anderson University helped produce enough work to compile a collection. My healing continued as words from my heart found their way to the page. In all these things I give thanks to the One who has my life in the palm of His hand.

     As I look back on this year filled with many good things I realized it’s the simple things that mean the most. I’m thankful for special moments around the table with family and friends. Life isn’t always easy, but living is sweeter when shared with someone else. I treasure coffee dates, deep conversation, fellowship with my Bible study sisters, laughter about getting older, walking under a Carolina blue sky, front porch pondering, and the sight of cows and their calves. My passion for reading and learning was cranked up a notch in 2019. I’m thankful for new friends, and cherished friends of many years. I marvel at the beauty that surrounds me living the country life. The simplicity of a cup of tea as the sun rises reminds me of God’s mercies, new every morning. 

     A new decade is here, with new possibilities for serving and loving those around me. I pray blessings on you, my reader. I pray you know God this year in a deep and profound way that leaves you speechless at His goodness. Happy 2020!

Buried in the Depths of the Sea

Walking on the beach at sunrise recently, I couldn't help but notice the beach littered with broken shells. The raging storm from the night before forced pieces of God's handiwork on shore for everyone to see and trample through.

As I moved along the beach, images of the broken pieces of my life lay before me, as if washed onto the shore of my soul. I recalled the pain of sorting through the shards of anger, resentment, grief, unforgiveness, and shame. My brokenness was hidden unless you got close enough to see my jagged edges.

An interesting thing about the ebb and flow of the tide is that the same water that emptied her rage also has the power to carry it back to the depths of the sea. The beach is eventually wiped clean with smooth hard sand, ready for walking.

That's what God did for me. He allowed the storms of my life to find their way to the surface, spread them out across the canvas of His light and truth, and then He washed me clean, carrying the burden of my brokenness back to the deepest part of the sea. Peace wafted over my soul, as the rhythm of His mercy and grace gave me hope for a new day.

What storms have you faced, or in the midst of now? Might you be tiptoeing through the debris of your brokenness, looking for a clear path? He can lead you through the painful journey to a life free of broken pieces.

The Word says His mercy is new every morning, great is His faithfulness. Just as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, you can trust Him to bind up the wounds of your brokenness, and set you free to walk in freedom.

I don't ever want to forget His power over my life, the love He demonstrated to me, and the hope of eternal life with Him. All the broken pieces were worth the peace of walking in freedom.

Perfect Peace on the Other Side

Someone asked me recently…”How did we get to this place?”

I thought to myself, do you want the long version, or a simple, rehearsed answer? The road that led to “this place” began more than fifty years ago. And isn’t that the way it is with all of us? We are who we are at this very moment because of the accumulation of life experiences.

Writing about the hard places is hard work, and also scary. While I want to help people overcome their own fears and insecurities, I find it difficult to expose mine. Writing teachers stress you shouldn’t write about something for public reading until you’ve worked through it, and come out the other side. I think I’ve finally gotten there, to the other side.

I don’t want to miss an opportunity though, to reflect on how far I’ve come.

I know there are people suffering in silence with grief and sorrow, guilt and shame. There is a way out of the pit these emotions throw us in. I’ve been there and can tell you it’s possible to overcome.

Several years ago I was weighed down with burdens too old to name. It felt like I was walking through life with a chain wrapped around my leg. Every time I tried to move forward in joy, the chain pulled tight to remind me I was different. I was bound together with links of several broken chains, each representing a different hurt or grief.

But there was One who loved me enough to break the chains and strongholds of my life. He protected me, walked with me, and gave me strength when I thought I had none. He heard every cry of my heart, saw every tear, and every broken place in my soul where the enemy had sown lies and mistrust. He confronted me with the hate I’d harbored for those who hurt me, and replaced it with forgiveness. 

God placed two, amazing, gifted, Christian counselors in my life who walked me through the painful steps of healing and recovery. He surrounded me with godly friends who never gave up on me. He gave me a husband who endured the worst of my brokenness, and loved me anyway. He gave me a son who checked on me every day to make sure I was ok.

Bonnie Gray says in her book, Finding Spiritual Whitespace,“Perfect peace from God isn’t found by forgetting. Peace is ours if we dare to remember our pain and our sorrow, and experience our fears fully with Jesus.” 

This is my testimony in a nutshell. There are many good resources for healing in our communities, but I’m convinced that healing of the soul can only come through the One who created me, and died for me. Anything else will never be enough, though may grant temporary relief.

No matter what you’re going through, God is enough. If you truly seek Him, He is able to completely resurrect your life and give you a firm foundation to rebuild. Your pain does not need to define you any longer. It need not demand anymore of your life, the only life you’ll have on this earth.

On this Mother’s Day, I celebrate the peace I’ve found. My parents would’ve been so disappointed if I’d let my childhood destroy my future. My mom was the strongest woman I know. I learned how to die, but I also learned how to live because of her influence. Her favorite Bible verse was Philippians 4:13: I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. He gave her strength to fulfill His purpose for her. My goal is to do the same, whatever that may be. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who have poured love and kindness into my life. I am blessed beyond measure to have so many that have been Jesus to me. You are loved.

Before You Judge...

I'm going out on a limb today with my thoughts. Normally, this space is filled with stories from my life or bookish things. My goal is to inspire and encourage you to have the best life possible. I found it in a personal relationship with Christ and believe He is the answer to every problem, as well as the source of every joy.

Most of my life has been lived in the shadow of grief and trauma. Writing has helped me process many things. However, I haven't had clarity on some things enough to write about them. Getting to the other side has allowed room for reflection.

I grew up in a home where there was little to no comparison with other people. I rarely ever heard my parents say a negative word about people in our small world. I saw everyone as good, until they hurt me.

Our culture today is very different. Facebook, Twitter, and Snap-Chat are witness bearers of all manner of good and bad. For an introvert like me, it's intimidating to peep into the lives of people without intimate knowledge of who they really are. I'll admit, Ive made judgments about people that may, or may not, be accurate.

Now to my point. I've shared some of my life in this little corner of the internet. But I don't tell you all of the ugliness. I've alluded to childhood issues, but aside from the book I'm writing, the words have remained unwritten in this space.

We live in a fallen world, do we not? It's normal to judge what we see and hear to discern truth. The problem I have with it is we don't know what the neighbor next door, the man in the grocery store, or the prostitute on the corner has suffered in the course of a lifetime. People are labeled then cast aside, ignored, and forgotten.

You wouldn't know by looking at me that between the ages of 15-17 I experienced the death of my mother, sexual abuse, rape, abandonment, rejection, and severe loneliness. My smile covered the deepest wounds as my character and self worth were still being formed. I believed I could stuff everything in a memory trashcan and move on in life. I married a wonderful man, with a solid family, at the age of 18 and walked away from my former life.

Unfortunately, you can't walk away from yourself. I learned coping skills, but the wounds were still buried deep inside me. And like most wounds that don't heal properly, I became infected. The last few years have been difficult, filled with pain and hopelessness.

Most people did not know the root of my pain. I'm generally a private person, even with a blog where I write about life and family.

This is the nugget I want you to understand today...You don't know what someone has been through until they own their truth. You only see a glimpse into the real life of people you meet in public. How do you react to the woman showing too much skin? How do you treat the least of these, the ones who don't look like you? How do you treat the couple having marital problems, or the girl who had an abortion?

Before you judge, simply consider what life may have dealt.

If my home hadn't been torn apart by death, I might have a different story to tell. But God allowed me to endure all those things for a purpose.

He saved me, literally and figuratively. He remained faithful to me even when I was not faithful to Him. He protected me under the shelter of His wing until I could get the help I needed. He loved me unconditionally and put people in my life who nursed me back to health. He showered me with people who loved me and did not judge me as unworthy.

Before you judge, love first. The person you condemn has already walked a thousand miles in condemnation of herself. She needs to know hope is waiting on the other side of brokenness. Be the one to offer encouragement and a willingness to listen.

Agape love, the purest form of love, is the path to a life of recovery. God Himself heals the broken and binds up their wounds. He did it for me, he'll do it for you.

Look beyond the smile, and the tattoos and piercings you may not agree with. Love the person, the real flesh and blood one, made in the image of the living God. You might just find a gem hiding behind the pain.